These past few weeks of uncertainty with J has really made realize what type of relationship that I DO want. The type of guy that I will wait for. I don't want to settle, I definitely deserve better, but today, when I walked into work and saw two of my dearest friends....and started to cry? Yeah, that was me being a girl and letting everything with J hit me. I need to get him away from me, from my thoughts, from my heart but I just can't until I have someone else to focus on. I'm not going to settle though. I have a very defined idea of they guy that I want. What I want to do with him. How we hang out. How we interact with each other. In all of this, I made two different Facebook statuses.
Today? It was this: I don't ask for much, I just want a pick me up
in your truck with flowers on the seat kind of date. A fun, easy going
dinner with a quick drink kind of date. A curled up at the movies kind
of date. A take the long way down back roads kind of date....
The other one I can't find, but it went something like this: I don't ask for much. Notes left in driver's seat of the baby jeep. Stopping by the store to say hi when you know I'm there. Phone calls when you're thinking of me.
I just feel like I'm in a vicious cycle. I throw myself into work to keep myself from thinking about settling down, but then I'm so into work that I don't see guys at all, so I just work more. My best friend laughs at me because when I tell her about a guy interaction that I think is totally a non-issue, just a conversation or something but she says he was flirting and I didn't see it. That's me right now. I don't even see when guys are nice/flirting/anything with me. I don't see when I'm getting close to a guy and shouldn't be (long story...). All of this just makes me miss J more. Even though we had a really unhealthy relationship, he was there and it was easy and there wasn't all the pressure to make something from nothing or to end something. I didn't have to think about whether or not he was already in a relationship, or if he wanted to be in a relationship. I didn't have to think about anything. It was just....easy. And I miss him today. A lot.