Saturday, July 9, 2011

Cathartic Release of Emotion (warning: excessive cursing....)

If you follow me, sorry to spam your blogger with a bunch of posts....I want to get some stuff off MySpace before J.Timberlake ruins it....haha

Yeah, so it is 12:39 right now.  This very moment.  And I'm still awake.  WTF is wrong with me lately?  I can tell you: I'm a lonely girl.  I didn't realize how the majority of my social interaction came from work!  I was actually excited to get to the post office today and see like 15 people in line.  I mean, I was super pumped to just stand in a line with PEOPLE that I didn't know, didn't care to know....just that they were there in person, and I could talk to them if I chose, and they would talk back -- and not meow back. 

Also, a lot of my past relationships have been weighing heavily on me.  I'm a firm believer in karma and I wonder sometimes if my current lack of relationship/boy stuff is a result of what I deserve based on how I was in the past?  Do you suppose karma comes back in the same form or in different (though equally irritating) form?  I mean, I was nearly always the "other girl" in any given relationship, and if I wasn't the other girl, then I certainly wasn't in a committed relationship on my part.  That sounds horrible but it is true.  For nearly 10 years, JS was in my life and with the exception of about a month, he had a girlfriend -- one that wasn't me.  And you know what threw him back to a girlfriend at the end of that one month?  The fact that I took off from a party with another guy.  Yep, I managed to subconsciously fuck up that pretty quick.  I'm good at that.   In fact, it is a great talent of mine.  With AH, it was a bit different, I didn't know I was the other girl until a few weeks in....and then I continued to be the other girl.  Then, and this is just how awesome I am, I started messing around with his best friend -- who had a girlfriend....that wasn't me.  You know what though?  I had a blast with those guys!  A freaking blast!  All we had was fun....and when it started to get drama-y or he started to bitch about something, I didn't hesitate to look at him (any of them...) and say, "I'm not your girlfriend, I don't have to listen to this, go talk to her."  Yep.  I'm bitch.  I know it.  I got what I thought were the best parts of those guys....but now that I'm older I wonder if they really were the best parts.  Other great relationships I've been in? 

NM - my first love.  I still get stomach flips and doe eyed when I see anything he posts on facebook.  I get a little jealous when I see any other girls mentioned on his facebook.  I will always love him.  I will never forget the day I saw him for the first time.  I was a freshman, he was a senior.  I was walking down the hallway from the gym towards the front doors of school....and there he was walking in (late, of course) and you couldn't miss him because he was so dang tall and carried himself with so much confidence.  How did I mess this one up?  Oh my.  How *didn't* I mess this one up?!?!  I dated his best friend for four years - all through high school, and the whole time, he was always there, always in the background....the last year I was dating JM I was talking to NM on the side.  JM worked nights, I went to school during the day, NM worked during the day, but NM and JM were roommates so we had to be careful.....JM would drop me off at curfew and go to work, and before he even got out of my driveway I would be on the phone with NM and would literally talk to him all night sometimes.  ALL night.  Then JM would pick me up in the morning after his shift to take me to school and the cycle would start all over the next day.  I was so tired, but so in love I didn't care....I was just in love with someone that wasn't my boyfriend.  Oh, and don't forget that JS was in and out of the picture during all of this too.  Both JS and NM are boys that I will probably never ever get over.  Ever.  They both chose girls other than me when it came right down to it, and for the life of me, even through all of it, I will NEVER figure out why. 

JR - Oh my.  The one that I should have never let in.....that's all we will say about that one.

KM - hahaha, this was all kinds of wrong.  We were both playing each other for different things/reasons.  Definitely a learning lesson though and we had a hell of a lot of fun!

RL - This one is a bit more confusing than I really know how to write here.  He's still in and out of my life.  We have a unique tension between us that I don't quite know how to explain, or even to start talking about.  But, he's just far enough out of my reach that I'm almost comfortable.  Almost.  If I were a different girl, more confident, more outgoing, we would probably have a very different relationship.  One that most likely would involve me letting him in and breaking my heart.

SO - Another one that is still around here and there....and another one that is just far enough away that I'm almost content with what is going on.

And now, really, what does all of this mean?  I don't know.  I'm still going to live trying to figure out if karma is going to kick me in the ass by having my husband (if I ever get married) cheat on me or if this is it....this loneliness, this eagerness to be loved, this craving of desire and passion in my life....could this be karma kicking me in the ass?  Something that I do know with certainty?  That I will *NEVER* regret any of this.  Never.  I don't believe that you should regret anything in life.  Every single thing you do in life makes you the person that you are.  It makes you you.  And you know what, through all my insecurities, I still love me.  I'm exactly the girl that I'm supposed to be at this exact moment for a reason.  Someday I will know that reason.  Tomorrow doesn't look like it is going to be that day, but I'm ok with that. 

Now, I'm going to leave you with the list of songs I found on my playlist on my myspace page....all songs (even though they were picked probably three years ago!) are still so very telling of how I'm feeling right now.  Of the girl that I am right now.  Of the girl that I let the world see....with small peeks at that girl that keep hidden.

Makin' Me Fall in Love Again - Kellie Pickler
One Last Time - Kellie Pickler
Relentless - Jason Aldean
Gives You Hell - All American Rejects
Soulmate - Natasha Bedingfield
He Ain't Worth Missin' - Toby Keith
Down the Road - Kenny Chesney
More Like Her -  Miranda Lambert
Summer Girl - Jessica Andrews

I highly recommend that you look up these songs and listen to the words...they may describe you or your situation...they certainly describe me better than anything else at this point.

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